by: David Beem
Genre: Comedy Fiction
Release Date: April 2, 2018
Publisher: Escapist Press
Amazon | Goodreads
It’s been said every story must start somewhere. Ours begins with a professional dork. The kind who fixes computers and lives in his gran’s basement. The kind tapped by destiny (that saucy minx) to become the world’s first superhero.
And not a moment too soon...
A nano-sized artificial intelligence is on the loose! It got itself dart-gunned into a cow butt by a frog man in a porn store! Two stoners are corrupting it on Twitter! And that’s just the first three pages!!
Join our dork of destiny as he channels the Collective Unconscious—his psychic superpower—in a harrowing tale of high drama, romance, betrayal, revenge, Jesus chickens, cocaine, weirdos, magicians, ninjas, NFL spies, and disco ball water torture administered to the tune of Rapture, by Blondie. My god, man, what does it all mean!?
It means uncorking that next bottle of wine isn’t only a good idea—it’s advisable.
“Morning, sleepyhead.”
I roll onto my side. A bar of honey-golden sunlight is bisecting a bare and definitely female leg in my bed.
Something like a popped clutch hitches in my chest.
I snatch the blankets and try to yank them up to my neck. They won’t come, because Mary—beautiful Mary Thomas—is sitting on the edge of my bed. The blankets are trapped beneath her beautiful butt, which happens to be wearing my favorite boxers. And the rest of her is in my Notre Dame jersey.
“What’re you—how’re you—what’re you—are you wearing my clothes?”
“I got to thinking,” she says, standing and sashaying over to my desk, where she picks up the picture of me and Dad. Her blonde hair is gleaming in the morning sunlight. Her legs are long, toned, and tan. I bite the side of my tongue, and my gaze snaps to eye level just in time; she sets down the picture and faces me.
“I’m going to help you.”
I yank my sheets up to my neck and count to ten. I’ve missed something. Maybe more than one critical something. Probably an entire chapter of critical somethings torn from the story of my life while I was sleeping.
I release the sheets and sit up. “How did you get in here?”
“Through the window.”
“I mean—okay. Not to be rude or anything, but…why are you in my room?”
“I’m glad you asked that, Edger,” she says, like her sitting at my desk and wearing my boxers and jersey is the most normal freaking thing in the history of normal freaking things. “I know we just met yesterday, but I think it’s time we moved in together.”
I roll onto my side. A bar of honey-golden sunlight is bisecting a bare and definitely female leg in my bed.
Something like a popped clutch hitches in my chest.
I snatch the blankets and try to yank them up to my neck. They won’t come, because Mary—beautiful Mary Thomas—is sitting on the edge of my bed. The blankets are trapped beneath her beautiful butt, which happens to be wearing my favorite boxers. And the rest of her is in my Notre Dame jersey.
“What’re you—how’re you—what’re you—are you wearing my clothes?”
“I got to thinking,” she says, standing and sashaying over to my desk, where she picks up the picture of me and Dad. Her blonde hair is gleaming in the morning sunlight. Her legs are long, toned, and tan. I bite the side of my tongue, and my gaze snaps to eye level just in time; she sets down the picture and faces me.
“I’m going to help you.”
I yank my sheets up to my neck and count to ten. I’ve missed something. Maybe more than one critical something. Probably an entire chapter of critical somethings torn from the story of my life while I was sleeping.
I release the sheets and sit up. “How did you get in here?”
“Through the window.”
“I mean—okay. Not to be rude or anything, but…why are you in my room?”
“I’m glad you asked that, Edger,” she says, like her sitting at my desk and wearing my boxers and jersey is the most normal freaking thing in the history of normal freaking things. “I know we just met yesterday, but I think it’s time we moved in together.”
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I enjoyed getting to know your book; congrats on the tour, I hope it is a fun one for you, and thanks for the chance to win :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by Lisa.
DeleteThanks for hosting!
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome.
DeleteThank you for hosting for the Edger blog tour!
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome. Thank you for stopping by and commenting. The books sounds really funny.
DeleteThat excerpt is crazy! Sounds like a hilarious read!
ReplyDeleteHa! So you're saying moving in together after having just met is probably NOT a good idea?! ;)
DeleteThank you for stopping by! Cheers,
David
Thanks for stopping by Fee.
DeleteI liked the excerpt.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Rita!
DeleteGlad you liked the excerpt Rita.
DeleteWhat book would you like to see a sequel to? Bernie Wallace BWallace1980(at)hotmail(d0t)com
ReplyDeleteLoved the excerpt! I can totally feel the awkwardness, haha! I can't believe she came in through the window!
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by Sabrina.
DeleteThanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by Victoria.
DeleteInteresting excerpt. Thanks for hosting the giveaway. Bernie Wallace BWallace1980(at)hotmail(d0t)com
ReplyDeleteOh this sounds so funny. I cannot wait to read it.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading the Excerpt! Congrats on the tour! Thank you!
ReplyDelete